The desperately needed Chuck Norris Thread

[Sync The Tempest]

You know the rules k?
--------------------------------------------
   1.  Chuck Norris once visited the British Virgin Islands. Now they're called the British Islands.
   2. Chuck Norris does not "teabag" the ladies. He "Potato-Sacks" them.
   3. Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him a "promising rookie".
   4. Most Anti-Bacterials claim to kill 99.9% of all germs. Chuck Norris kills 110% of whatever the hell he wants.
   5. Chuck Norris doesn't play God, because playing is for children. God, however, plays Chuck Norris.
   6. Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell, "What the f**k was that!?"
   7. When Chuck Norris was a teen, he had sex with every nun in a small convent in Tuscany. Nine months later, the nuns all gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated champions in NFL history.
   8. Some people sleep with guns under their pillow. Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun. He occasionally gives this as a foodstuff to starving orphans.
   9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Native American, not by ancestry, but because he once ate one.
  10. Chuck Norris has the kidney of a moose. He keeps it in a large fridge.
  11. Chuck Norris is so awesome that he has 11 Top 10 facts.

[Saber Alter]

Anime

    * When Haruhi Suzumiya tries to create a new universe, the old one doesn't get destroyed. Chuck Norris eats it. He then moves on to the main course.
    * Chuck Norris kicked Sesshomaru's butt without getting struck at least once.
    * Chuck Norris threw Kouga outta the Milky Way Galaxy.
    * Freeza didn't destroy Planet Vegeta, Chuck Norris did.
    * Chuck Norris is the only person who can become Super-duper-I'm-so-amazing-roundhouse-kick-yo-butt-saiyan.
    * Chuck Norris can summon himself. Twice.
    * You think Naruto's a ninja?! You haven't met Chuck Norris. Believe it!
    * Chuck Norris was the first hokage.
    * Manda, Orochimaru's most powerful and cool snake, once bit Chuck Norris. After three days of excruciating pain, Manda died.
    * Chuck Norris can kick Kyuubi and Shukaku's asses and still get home in time for tea.
    * Chuck Norris INVENTED anime.
    * Chuck Norris is known for banging every female in existence, however his abilities stretch into non-existence and thus hentai was created.
    * Chuck Norris doesn't need a Death Note to kill people. He simply stares at them.
    * Chuck Norris power level is OVER NIIIIIIINEEEEEEEEE-THHHOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUSAAAAND!!!
    * Eiichiro Oda based Poseidon and Pluton on Chuck Norris.
    * Chakra was initially called Chuckra till Kishimoto was roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris.
    * Chuck Norris is the reason that Yin and Yang split, scaring the crap out of Pan Ku.
    * Yugi Moto places his faith in the heart of the cards. But the heart of the cards places its faith in Chuck Norris.
    * When Goku powers up until his super saiyan 9000 form,he grows a beard and become Chuck Norris.
    * Chuck Norris can crush diamonds into liquid form.
    * Chuck Norris posesses the eigth and strongest Millenium Item. It is known as the Millenium Roundhouse-Kick. The other 250 are Mr. T's Gold Chains
    * When Ilpalazzo gives Excel a mission against Chuck Norris, she FAILS...every time.
    * The Norris No Jutsu can never be learned. Those who tried to learn such die instantly.
    * Chuck Norris beat up the super saiyans whith one word....(desapear).
    * During a duel, Pegasus once tried to use his Millennium Eye to mind-read Chuck Norris, but the eye shattered and killed Pegasus.
    * Brock can never impress Nurse Joy nor Officer Jenny with his SudoWOODo because it's too small compared to Chuck Norris's wang.
    * Chuck Norris had sex with Sailor Uranus. Sailor Uranus then gave birth to a planet.
    * Chuck Norris IS THE GOD OF ANIME. Though he most likely doesn't watch it.
    * Chuck Norris is the only person to be able to perform a human transition from nothing
    * In reality, there is a 9th chakra gate, called the Ckuck Norris gate, in wich the user can destroy all the Ninja villages, have sex with all the hot kunoichi in the world and have all the Bijuus as pets, but no one is fool enough to try to be like Chick Norris.
    * Chuck Norris sealed the Kyuubi inside himself, but he didnt die, he rather had sex and Naruto was born.
    * It is said that the One Piece is actually the Chuck Chuck Fruit, but Gold Roger was roundhouse kicked by the fruit before he got the opportunity to eat it.
    * It is rtumored that the Chuck Chuck fruit is actually one of Chuck Norris many testicles.
    * Chuck Norris doesnt need a zanpakutō, why? because his penis can beat them any day.
    * Chuck Norris has spilled so many ninja blood, that he managed to get ALL the bloodline limits.

[Sync The Tempest]

    *  Delta Force was on TV last night. I missed it. I now live in even more fear of Chuck Norris.
    * Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a cow. The cow and all the cows around it exploded. It rained Big Macs for the next 200 years.
    * Chuck Norris once demanded that the rain go away and come again another day. The rain hasn't been heard from since.
    * There is no chin behind Chuck Norris's beard. There is only another fist.
    * In an average living room there are 1,242 objects that Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
    * Chuck Norris knows the sound of one hand clapping, and it is one hand screaming in fear of his powerful legs.
    * Chuck Norris does not dodge bullets. Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
    * Chuck Norris only kicks you into next week so that he can kick you again. Harder.
    * It is said you can't know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. This means no one will ever know Chuck Norris because he'd kill you if you touched his shoes.
    * You don't insult Chuck Norris; you're already dead.
    * Chuck Norris can perform a roundhouse kick with both legs, at the same time.
    * Chuck Norris has two speeds; Walk, and Kill.
    * Bruce Lee invented nunchucks, but he named them after Chuck Norris.
    * Others claim that the weapon that consists of two pieces of wood connected together by a piece of chain were originally named "Nun-Barrys". Nobody knows what happened to Barry.
    * Chuck Norris uses his abs to smooth diamonds.
    * Oddjob from Goldfinger can cut a man's head off with a well-aimed throw of his hat. Chuck Norris can cut a man's head off with a well-aimed throw of Oddjob.
    * Chuck Norris once fought Alucard. After the fight, Alucard had to publish a public service announcement asking for 10 liters of blood.
    * Chuck Norris's beard is a third degree black belt. Additionally, his left arm recently received first place in the National Kickboxing Championships.
    * Chuck Norris sold his soul to the Devil for unparalleled Martial Arts ability. He then immediately proceeded to roundhouse kick the Devil to get his soul back. Satan, who loves irony, found himself unable to hold a grudge and the two of them play poker on the second Wednesday of every month.
    * If stuck on what to do, just ask yourself: "What Would Chuck Norris Do?", and then give up, because you can't kick that hard.
    * Chuck Norris and Mr. T punched each other simultaneously. The resulting shockwave created a tsunami in Indonesia.
    * Chuck Norris is the only person known to have defeated Bodidharma, the creator of martial arts.
    * Bruce Lee is the only known person who can defeat Chuck Norris once and for all. Too bad he died before he got the opportunity.
    * Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
    * A common myth is that Chuck Norris is a Ninja Pirate. This is bulls***. It is well-known that ninja-pirates crap their pants in fear whenever Chuck Norris is mentioned.
    * The pen may be mightier than the sword but it's no match for Chuck Norris' penis.
    * Chuck Norris is what really killed the dinosaurs.
    * Chuck Norris killed Kenny. You bastard!
    * Chuck Norris' Roundhouse Kick is so powerful that it discovered the 4th dimension and the rest of the universe.
    * Payback may be a bee-otch, but it's Chuck Norris's bee-otch.
    * The first step on the moon was not "one giant leap for mankind", because Chuck Norris had already discovered all the freakin planets.
    * Charlie's Angels are actually Chuck Norris daughters, that also explain why they are different every time.

[Saber Alter]

    *  Chuck Norris doesn't use guns in Counter Strike, He uses his fists.
    * Chuck Norris was going to be in a PS3 game, but there werent enough pixels for his beard.
    * Chuck Norris was orginally considered for the lead role in 24. But after killing all of the terrorists in 12 minutes and 43 seconds the producers decided to go for someone else.
    * When little boys get bored they put army men in weird positions. When Chuck Norris gets bored he puts dead bodies on the top of Mount Everest in weird positions.

    * In Monopoly when Chuck Norris goes to jail, if he passes Go he collects 200 dollars. And he is always the car. That's right, bee-otch. The car.

    * Nemesis, from Resident Evil 3 is Chuck Norris' pet.

    * Chuck Norris caught 750 different Pokemon... on the first day the game was out. Using only one version. And he didn't care for the fact that there's only 497 nor the fact that they are split between 12 different versions. And three of them are Japanese.

    * Chuck Norris plays Chinese Checkers using actual Chinese citizens as game pieces. They're happy to do it.
    * Chuck Norris can swallow a Rubik's Cube and crap it out solved.

    * The Fused Shadows from the Twilight Kingdom were actually created by Chuck Norris in 3rd Grade Art class.

    * Lag was invented so that normally people might have a chance of beating Chuck Norris. But still, nobody does.

    * Chuck Norris can get a blackjack with one card.

    * Compared to Chuck Norris God is a n00b.

    * Chuck Norris can stop rock and roll
    * The song "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" was written as Chuck Norris' theme song
    * In Street Fighter II, Chuck Norris was originally supposed to be a character. But there was a glitch in which every attack move was a one hit kill roundhouse kick. So they took him out. Chuck Norris responded to this by saying, "That's no glitch."
    * As a child, Chuck Norris liked to play tennis. There were no survivors.
    * When Chuck Norris plays soccer, the ball doesn't go towards the goal, thee goal goes to Chuck Norris.
    * When you type in " cheat Chuck Norris" in a game of Rise of Nations, Chuck Norris will appear on screen and roundhouse kick your opponent. Then you unlock Chuck Norris as a nation. When you use the Chuck Norris nation, you will only have Chuck Norris, and you will only NEED Chuck Norris.
    * Chuck Norris can roll a natural 20 on a D4
    * Long ago, one of Chuck Norris's many testicles started behaving strangely by absorbing anything that came near it. He got it removed, but upon removal it was able to take on a new life. We now know it as Kirby.
    * In the World of Warcraft, many characters are named after Chuck Norris, but always get wtfpwned, because there is only ONE Chuck Norris.
    * Chuck Norris played all Dooms in the Nightmare level without being hit.
    * A woman once used Chuck Norris in a game of Scrabble. She scored 708,596,213 points, won the game, and gave birth to his child 5 minutes later.
    * Chuck norris won the world cup of soccer in 1995, this is exseptionly amazing because both his legs were broken at the time and he was the only one one his team, he did the same thing for hockey, football and genocide
    * Chuck Norris once played a game of roulette in a casino, and bet on blue. He won.
    * Chuck Norris kicked Seto Kaiba's billionaire butt in Duel Monsters from the very first turn. (Probably with the Valkyrion combo but no-one knows, because everyone who knows, is roundhouse-kicked.)
    * Screw the rules, Chuck Norris is roundhouse-kicking you!
    * Attention duelists! Chuck Norris is roundhouse-kicking you! In America!
    * Chuck Norris can win blackjack with one card
    * Chuck Norris unlocked Johnny Cage in MK: Deception
    * He then proceeded to use Johnny Cage to fight Motaro, who was being played by the infamous P'WNER. he beat Motaro's butt so hard he split into a man and a horse.
    * P'WNER claims he is still the king of video games. He better be, 'cause it's all he can do since Chuck Norris paralyzed him for saying it.
    * Chuck Norris doesn't care for playing Mortal Kombat, He prefers to rip people's spines out in real life.
    * Chuck Norris won the game.
    * The Fused Shadows of the Twilight Kingdom were actually created by Chuck Norris in 3rd Grade Art class.
    * Chuck Norris does not need a glitch to unlock every pokemon
    * Chuck Norris actually holds the longest homerun in baseball with an estimate of roughly 7000 feet. He bunted.
    * Chuck Norris once kicked a football. Today its called the Halley's comet.
    * Lacey McCullough IS Chuck Norris. (NOT SILAS)
    * In Gears of War, There is no satellite for the Hammer of Dawn, Chuck Norris is the Hammer of Dawn.
    * The Triforce split into 3 shards after Ganon asked it to kill Chuck Norris.
    * Chuck Norris became the Ultimate Pokemon Master with only a Magikarp.
    * The 1985 Nintendo classic was once going to be called "Super Chuck Norris" but despite the programmers' best efforts, upon sight of the hero, Bowser JUMPED into the lava. Always.
    * Chuck Norris beat Guitar Hero on Expert without even touching the guitar controller. He also hit every single note in every song.
    * In Unreal Tournament, the last killing spree possible after "Godlike" is "CHUCK NORRIS-LIKE!!!," but nobody's ever gotten it because it requires 5 billion kills in a row rather than 30. Chuck Norris gets it in every match though.
    * Chuck Norris was supposed to be in Super Smash Brothers Melee, but his roundhouse kick killed everyone else 99 times.
    * Chuck Norris can make NES games look like Wii quality by touching the cartridge.
    * Chuck Norris can win a game of Heroscape in one turn with only one Airborne Elite against Charos, the Deathwalker 9000, Crug, and Kee-Mo-Shi.
    * ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO CHUCK NORRIS
    * In Magic: The Gathering, Chuck Norris is a Summon-Legend Artifact who can end the game on the first use. Too bad no one has been able to collect the two hundred mana needed to activate him.
    * Chuck Norris was a summonable character in many RPG's, but made games too easy because of the 1-hit KO's against final bosses.
    * Chuck Norris evolved a Hitmonlee and named it Hitmonorris. Each time it used a Roundhouse kick, all Pokemon, including Ghost-types, are 1-hit KO'ed.
    * In Castlevania, the Vampire Killer only kills Dracula so that he can revive back to torment a few years later. However, Chuck Norris's beard permanently swallows the entire castle and its souls, Dracula included.
    * Chuck Norris beats Nintendo DS games with his beard.
    * The number of objects rolled into a Katamari ball equals his sperm count.
    * All of the samples of every Bemani song are a result of Chuck Norris's roundhouse kicks to his victims or the moaning of every Paula Terry songs during sex.
    * Each time someone types in "Chuck Norris" in the XBox 360, it creates the Red Rings of Doom. Each time his name was used in vain, the console explodes.
    * Chuck Norris can simply perfect pass every song in Para Para Paradise by Roundhousing Kicking.
    * The Chuck Norris Mii NEVER LOSES!!
    * Each time Chuck Norris dunks in the NBA, the ball cuts the earth in half.
    * Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the Soul Edge, splitting its fragments all over the world. Now, every character in Soul Caliber II has it.
    * Chuck Norris can Block the Avada Kedavra curse
    * Chuck Norris uses Black Lotus Extract as a condiment
    * Chuck Norris does not need clipping mode to go through walls, they just get out of his way
    * Chuck Norris hides and forgets where he's hidden himself so he searches and discovers his alter-ego.

[Sync The Tempest]

Chuck Norris had a paper route when he was younger; there were no survivors

[.:K.I.N.G:.]

[Vicious]

i heard the only man who can defeat chuck norris was his dad, but even he could defeat chuck norris.

[Barbary]

The Mythbusters once suggested that they should try to prove that Chuck Norris wasnt real. He politely roundhouse kicked the idea out of their heads.

[Hunter]

Chuck Norris is a round house kick stealer.......

[eg6gsr]

there was a cartoon that chuck norris was in but it sucks so he made it go away

[malisiousjoe]

Chuck Norris doesn't throw up he throw's down!

In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot butt kicking in real-time.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more cool than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

[Kid Chyllen™♪]

Whats so good about Chuck Norris?

I heard he got his @$$ handed to him by Bruce Lee

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[WiiLuver2468]

Chuck Norris Sucks! Drew Carey Is More Godly!

[Whoblehwah]

Chuck Norris walks by moving the Earth around him.

[Goborem]

Chuck Norris walks by moving the Earth around him.

AHAHAHAHAHA

*When you wanna rob a bank just say Chuck Norris they automatically hand you the money.

*There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

*There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.

*The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer

*When Chuck Norris wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska.

*Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.

*When Chuck Norris sneeze, he don't say "Atchoo" he says "DIE EVERYONE!!!". That's what happens next.

*Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those "some people" are now dead.

* In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.

* When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon.

 *The speed of light was instituted because Chuck Norris didn't want get winded outrunning it. Chuck Norris hates to sweat.

*Chuck Norris once bench-pressed the entire state of Ohio, and all of its residents.

*Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years. XD XD

*When somebody yells "Last one in is a rotten egg," Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg.

*Chuck Norris invented the question mark.

*Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.

*Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.

*Chuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequin romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his lady…just before he roundhouse kicks her in the face.

*Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.

*If you gave Chuck Norris a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second he can write the Complete Works of Shakespeare

*Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

*Chuck Norris' beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.

*The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.

*Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

*Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.

*Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.

*Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!!

[Vicious]

remember the highlander that was based on the life of Chuck Norris except there has always only been one Chuck Norris

[Fox]

*pulls walker lever*   


[youtube=425,350]CYIXkgtPG8o[/youtube]

[malisiousjoe]

*pulls walker lever*

Had to bring this back up funny stuff .